In this Christmas season, we collectively get caught up in the spirit of giving to one another. Whether that be gifts, our time, or our resources, we are reminded of the joy that comes from caring for each other well.
I’ve been thinking about my own relationships as well as my work with couples in terms of an additional gift we can offer: the gift of multiplicity.
This isn’t a gift you can wrap in paper or place under a tree. It is a relational offering—a way of seeing yourself and others that can transform how we connect. By multiplicity, I mean what Barsness describes as a view of self and other as containing “a dynamic conglomerate of self-states” that evolve and shift over the course of a lifetime.
Understanding Multiplicity in Relationship
Phillip Bromberg offers a beautiful definition of health in multiplicity as “the ability to stand in the spaces between realities without losing any of them…the capacity to feel like one’s self while being many.”
So what may this look like relationally?
We all know relational moments can get quite messy. The progression often looks something like this:
- Relational Bid: One person reaches out.
- Non-Ideal Response: The other person misses the mark.
- Reactivity: Defensiveness, blame, or withdrawal ensues.
- Cycle Continues: And so on…
The challenge I see here is the rigid expectation of affirming responses. When we share a bid or a vulnerable part of ourselves, we often expect the other person to respond exactly how our subjectivity wants them to. If they don’t, we feel justified in our reactivity to whatever “non-ideal” states emerged in them.
Myself being the chief of sinners, here, ha!
But I’ve found a different path by contrasting this rigid expectation with two specific gifts of multiplicity: one for the self and one for the other.
The Gift to the Self: Ownership and Complexity
The gift to the self being an appreciation of the complexity of their own “conglomerate of selves” that will never fully be “known” in the sense that it is impossible to fully capture all of who and what we are.
Additionally, it is the capacity to ‘stand in the spaces’ of their own subjectivity (feelings, thoughts, desires, needs, behaviors) and to own responsibility for them. This “I”, that is made up of a multitude of selves, approaches another’s “I” in all their difference and uniqueness.
This capacity has a way of communicating something powerful, “I am responsible for my “I”, and I am growing in my ability to hold in tension, soothe, and play with the various self-states that occur in me as I relate to you”.
The Gift to the Other: Opening Space
This sets the stage for the gift of multiplicity one can offer another. This can be played out like…
I have a part of me I’d like to share. I may or may not get the response I would like, but I will commit to trying to open myself to their “I” while simultaneously avoiding collapsing of my own “I” to exist in the conversation as well.
Giving another person and ourselves the gift of multiplicity offers us both a chance to truly “see” each other. We see each other not only in our “ideal states”—when we are calm, collected, and affirming—but also in the complexity and richness of all that can emerge inside and between us, in all its horror and all its beauty.
Conclusion: Living Like a River
I have found that when the space for multiplicity can be cultivated, new energy is unlocked. A sense of playfulness and curiosity emerges, allowing us to simply “allow,” “open,” or “bring to the table” whatever comes up and to work through those emergences together.
May we give the gift of multiplicity to ourselves and our loved ones and embrace the process of self and other discovery like John O’ Donohue writes:
“I would like to live like a river flows. Carried by the surprise of its own unfolding”.
Peace to you all,
Alex