A core practice within the RPT program is the “locating” and utilization of one’s Essential I to foster genuine encounter with another.
But what exactly is the Essential I, and what does the practice of “location” entail?
I presently understand the Essential I as a lifetime process—a dynamic, evolving relationship with the self. This process is supported by several key practices that help cultivate openness and authenticity in therapy and life. For the sake of this exploration, I want to highlight two significant elements of the Essential I:
- Relationship – A dynamic and radically open connection with one’s internal states.
- Authenticity – A stripping away process.
Relationship – Radical Openness to Self-States
For the first element, the image of a living room comes to mind. Imagine sitting in the center of this room, surrounded by chairs arranged in a circle. Throughout life, different “states” (judgments, prejudices, emotions like sadness or excitement, bodily sensations, memories, etc.) enter the room, take a seat, and interact. These states are impermanent—they come, they go, they grow or shrink, and they shift in complex and dynamic ways.
Fostering one’s Essential I involves how one engages these differing states. Namely, with a playfulness, curiosity, holding multiple at once, wonder, and “being with” in contrast to collapsing into shame, forcing something, adopting others states as one’s own, or even “having to know”. In RPT we call this “radical openness” to all that is there, moment by moment, as we sit with our clients and even as we live our lives outside the room.
Authenticity – A Stripping Away
When I think of authenticity, I think of the scene in Hook where Robin Williams (Peter) kneels before one of the lost boys as an adult re-entering into Neverland. His way of being in the “real world” has caused a loss of memory in his identity as the Pan. The boy begins to touch his face, pushing the wrinkles back, almost as a way of trying to see the person beneath the hardening, copying, rushing, and armoring up, until finally after pushing his cheeks up into a smile he says, “Oh there you are, Peter!”
This is strange. All that the boy was looking at is in a sense “Peter” and yet the boy is calling out something missing. Something buried. And it took the little boy’s deeper eye and authentic presence to find the “Peter” beneath all that had been erected and to invite the other boys to see it, too.
So it is I think with the Essential I, It involves a relationship with the self that can be open, engaging, and playful with all that is going on inside of Peter, while also appreciating the subjectivity of these states and attempting to discern armor, protection, and falsity from the authentic and ever evolving Peter that is in there.
It is about bringing loving awareness to the ways I am armoring up in my having to know it all, being good, and being all for all. And then committing to stripping away the armor to reveal what is authentic and evolving within. I have found more often than not that it takes the presence of another person to see myself more fully and come back home to what is “true” inside.
Unlocking Creativity – The Outcome of Reconnection
Through my own experience with this process, I’ve noticed a profound reconnection with my creativity and voice. As I peel back layers of protection and allow more of my Essential I to emerge, it feels as though I’m unlocking a childlike energy—a lightness, a freedom, a willingness to explore.
This childlikeness carries with it the ability to “Crow,” much like Peter does when he rediscovers his identity as the Pan. It’s a joyous, almost instinctual response to finding oneself again, a signal to the world that the authentic “me” is here and showing up.
Cultivating one’s Essential I is a lifetime process, one that requires patience, tenderness, and a deep willingness to engage with what’s present within. It’s not about perfection or arriving at some final destination. Instead, it’s about forming an authentic and radically open relationship with oneself—moment by moment—and rediscovering the playfulness and creativity that lies buried beneath.
Blessings to you in your own journey to you,
Alex
If you’re on your own relational path as a therapist—or as someone navigating what it means to show up authentically in your life and add in relational practice—I’d love to hear your story.
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