Recently, my good friend and colleague Andrew Bell (Andrew J. Bell Counseling) introduced me to the world of whiskey—bourbon, Scotch, and beyond. What started as a simple exploration of flavors quickly became something deeper for me. Dipping my toes into whiskey tasting reminded me of a process central to the Relational Psychodynamic Program (RPT), which shapes much of my clinical work today.
I couldn’t help but make the connection to how similar they both are; taking a slow sip, paying attention to what comes up in me as I “encounter” the whiskey, connecting with Andrew and others about what has emerged for us. It is the same process being taught to me in the Relational Psychodynamic Program and in the MAMAL consultation model utilized in the program.
Just as one engages with whiskey—sipping, noticing what arises, and discussing the sensations with a friend—the work in relational psychodynamic therapy invites us to listen to our own experience, link to story (you, I, between), and then bring this into the intersubjective space of the relationship.
The Wisdom in Paying Attention to Ourselves
In therapy, we are so often taught to pay deep attention to our clients, making sense of their experience with our given theories and modalities but with the focus on THEM. But what if we pause and check-in, instead, on what we ourselves are experiencing in the therapeutic relationship and how these “stirrings” are giving us vital clues to how the client’s story, patterns, and development is alive in the here and now?
The RPT Program emphasizes this exact posture, encouraging therapists to continually keep an eye inward as the conversation unfolds. When I sit with my clients, I find my internal dialogue sounding like this:
- What is going on in me? What am I doing?
- Oh, that hit me, what am I feeling right now?
- Why did I say that like that? That doesn’t even sound like me, what the hell is going on?
- I have no idea what they just said, I just blanked out for 5 minutes.
The tension here is to allow feelings to unfold as much as possible before “thinking” them to death. While making meaning is important, we sit more with what we experience and allow it to unfold more fully.
With that said, as the experience percolates I at some point begin to “metabolize” my experience by asking, “Okay, I’m feeling (insert experience), what the hell is happening?” In other words, how may this connect to the client’s narrative, my narrative, and the drama between us?
This shift—pivoting from primarily external analysis to internal attunement—has completely transformed how I approach therapy. The “stirring” inside of me often tells me a far truer story of what is transpiring than what my analytical mind alone can offer. And that story, found in connection to my experience with my client, requires me to truly show up and allow my clients to “find me” in some of my most vulnerable places.
RPT and the Importance of Vulnerability
This process hasn’t always been smooth for me. Tuning into my internal reactions can sometimes invite feelings of shame—like I’m failing at being a “good therapist.”And I’ll just say, the pressure for me to be “good” ran very deep in my story and threats to this brings defensiveness and even aggression at times.
But one of the most freeing aspects of the RPT model is the normalizing of these vulnerable moments and the inevitability of enactment.
Roy Barsness, the founder of the RPT Program, offers a thought that has stayed with me deeply in this work: “The patient wants to find us in our most vulnerable place because then we are alive to them.”
What a powerful reminder! Our vulnerability is not a flaw in the process but a bridge.
Therapist emotional reactions—when handled with care—can be a vital tool for understanding.
For example:
- A sudden wave of anxiety during a session might echo an experience in the client’s own story.
- An impulse to scream may tap into the unexpressed rage of the client and the assertive energy that has been blocked.
- Sexual feelings can link to longings to make relational contact.
Rather than shy away from these feelings, I’ve learned to lean into them. So after having these “sips” with a patient, I ask myself, “What the hell is happening here?” Not out of panic, but out of genuine curiosity. How may this feeling, sense, or relational pattern, be connected to the client’s story, my own story, and how those narratives are colliding?
From Sensing to Thinking to Playing
To be clear, this isn’t about abandoning traditional analysis. Thinking, organizing, and applying theory are critical components of effective therapy and vital to the process of understanding. But I have enjoyed practicing an attunement towards my own “feeling, gut, intuition, or scent” of them first and letting that experience spur my “thinking” of what the hell is going on in our relationship.
This is a general framework I’ve been using as I practice RPT:
- Feel, notice, sense – Pay attention to what is being brought up in me as we relate.
- Reflect – Identify how this internal reaction may tie to the relational dynamic at play. “What the hell is happening?”
- Articulate and Play– Bring my experience to the client to “play” with.
To be clear, I am not giving an articulation in every session. However, when I do offer an articulation, I hold to the ethic that it is far more important how I “work” an articulation than saying it “perfectly”. There is much more to be said about articulation, which perhaps can be for next time.
Summary:
Much like savoring whiskey, this approach to therapy asks us to slow down and notice. It’s not about getting it “right” but about being present—with yourself, your client, and the unique alchemy of your relationship.
The next time you sit with your client, I invite you to sip a little more and think a little less. Pay attention to the subtle “flavors” of your own emotional experience, trusting that what is stirred within you may hold rich insights worth exploring together.
And if you’re curious about new ways to embody a relational presence, I highly recommend connecting with the RPT Program or joining my monthly newsletter for more insight and conversation. I’m just an email away.