I’ll Go First
Since an ethic of my monthly newsletter is for us as therapists to “go first” in regards to sharing our experience with our clients, I feel it is fitting to share my path into relational theory and practice.
The Early Years: A Childhood Rooted in Expectations
Growing up as the child of a pastor came with several advantages but it also came with some unfortunate elements as well. I faced significant pressures to always “do the right thing” and to “keep the family name strong”. My world revolved around identifying what it is my environment told me was “good” and “right” and then working like hell to get in line with it.
As obedience to what was “true” and “right” dominated my experience in childhood, what I didn’t realize until the last several years is that during all that time of doing and behaving, I did not exist. Beneath the outer presentation of obedience and positivity was a person who had not been found internally. The void of a relational presence that sought after my own uniqueness and authentic experience rather than what was “right” or “good” left me hollow inside and dependent on the pleasure of others and the performance of my life in order to maintain security. My individuality, my unique experience, my questions, my “I”—these elements gradually faded, eclipsed by the singular goal of finding what was “right” and being obedient to it.
This pattern unfortunately followed me into my professional life.
Therapy Beginnings: Chasing the “Right Way”
When I began practicing as a therapist, I found myself consumed by persistent questions that mirrored those from my childhood:
- How do I get this therapy thing right?
- What makes a session good or bad?
- How do I avoid being a “bad” therapist?
- “What do I do?”
Interestingly, I initially steered away from psychoanalytic theory and practice because I thought I “wasn’t smart enough”. I felt drawn towards experiential modalities due to their focus on emotion and being more practical in nature so that is where I began. I continue to be deeply grateful for these modalities, however, I believe they reinforced some of the old messages I carried from childhood:
- “Be the corrective emotional experience”
- “Keep negative feelings to yourself”
- “Do this, not that”
How I internalized these modalities eventually became an internal struggle. I tried so hard to embody the therapist who provided the corrective emotional experience, but in doing so, I drifted further from my own authentic experience.
It led me over time to be less and less open to what I authentically felt with my clients as surely, I thought, this “stuff” of mine would only get in the way of me trying to help them. While well-intentioned, this replayed my development, thus “doubling down on my original trauma” and reinforcing the movement away from what I truly felt and towards trying to hold on to being the good, healing, right, empathic presence for my clients.
The Warning Signs of Burnout
This perpetual replay of my story in my work eventually led me to greater degrees of burnout as a therapist. The more I ignored my real internal experiences, the more dead I felt in myself and with my clients, and my cases felt heavier and heavier.
As a therapist, we hear many wonderful tips about how to take care of ourselves outside of session so that we can show up as well as possible in session. Again, many of these are wonderful tips.
But at the core of much of what I hear in how to address burnout are invitations to have more boundaries, do more for yourself outside of work, or work less. Invitations that in essence are to “lean out” so that you can “lean in” when it is time.
While several of those practices I have found helpful with burnout, I have actually found the opposite to be true. I find leaning further IN, not further OUT, to what is happening in me with clients, is actually what is bringing me alive and reviving me from my burnout. Much of the deadness and burnout I was experiencing in my work, I now contribute to my lack of openness to myself and how much of my experience was kept out of the relational space between my clients and me.
From Isolation to Community
Feeling this growing sense of deadness and exhaustion, I began researching a two-year certificate in Relational Psychodynamic Therapy. I was hit by the first page of their website as it asked, “Are you weary and long for renewal and vitality?” “Are you isolated and in need of intentional community?” The copy of their website spoke about how the program focused on the cultivation of the authentic presence and self of the therapist, believing that it was the therapeutic relationship that healed, more than the techniques that the therapist employed.
For reasons I am still trying to understand, I felt compelled to join the program and see what it was all about. Thinking about it now, I sense some part of me knew that I couldn’t sustain practicing therapy in the way that I was for 30+ years and have a sense of aliveness, soulfulness, and community that I longed to experience in my career but wasn’t yet experiencing.
I am so glad I decided to sign up! The RPT program, the MAMAL consultation groups, and the fellow therapists I have been fortunate to meet, have been nothing short of healing, both professionally and personally.
Next month, I’ll be sharing Part 2 of my journey into relational practice where I’ll speak on the impact of the RPT program on my work and life as a whole.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I hope it inspires and enriches your life and work in some way.
If any of this resonates with you, I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences. And make sure to join my monthly newsletter here if you’d like to continue the conversation.